Friday, September 28, 2012

oh those hazel eyes

this post is for another pair of lovely hazel eyes that i know reads this blog.

they belong to my other sister :)

my dear becca, i am going to need your undivided attention for the duration of this post. please exit out of facebook, turn your phone off, and shut down all the papers you are writing/grading. it is my turn.

...i'll wait...

excellent. now that i have your attention, i'm going to teach you a word. as i am a speech therapist and helping others make correct sounds is what i do for a living, you can rest assured that you will excel in the production of this word.

is your mouth ready? take a little sip of water and clear your throat. now, lift your tongue up and push it against the bump behind your teeth. turn your voice on and smoothly deliver an /n/ sound. now keep your voice on and set your tongue down, pulling your cheeks slightly in and present a nice, round /o/ sound.

you did it! you said it! and i'll tell you what you just said! you said NO!

this is a very empowering word. it stops people from asking you questions, gets you out of extra assignments, and keeps your home (your place, your space) safe from unwanted leeches - oops, visitors.

this word can be used in many situations. let's start with an easy one. i'll present the scenario and your job is to say "no!" after. ready?

scene one : you are at sonic. you have placed an order for a dr pepper cut in half with vanilla, no ice. they repeat this back to you and ask, "would you like fries or tots with that?" you're not hungry and are not feeling the need for either so you say ///// \\\\\\ come on .... you've got this .... awesome! the correct answer is "no!" their feelings aren't hurt, you have what you want. end scene.

awesome job! you're such a rock star :) let's move it up in difficulty half a notch. again, i'll present the scenario after which you say, "no!"

scene two : you are at church. someone comes up and asks you totally last minute to give a lesson. no prep, the time is now, go! you stayed up late the night before working on school and were hoping to just sit back and enjoy the good feelings from god that day. so you say .... come on ,,,, you can do it! remember to turn your voice on ... "no!" the person is a flake - no harm no fowl - all is well. you sit back and embrace the rest of your day. end scene.

now, you've been doing so well up to this point :) i can feel the power of "no!" growing within you. let's put it to the test with this last and final scenario. you know the drill - i present - you answer with "no!"

scene three : you are at school. you have been up since 3 am - cause you're crazy and don't sleep well - you've been teaching all day and have been in meetings since noon. it is now 4 pm - wayyyyy past quitting time and a student comes up, with her 20 page draft and asks you to look it over and give her feedback. you haven't eaten, your caffeine supply left at 10 and you literally have nothing left to give. so you say .... i know, this one's hard ... i hear the pounding heart and the racing questions (will me saying no be the thing that gets me kicked out of being a teacher?? will she hate me and hate school forever?? what if a colleague finds out?? OMG!!) but it's an important word. come on ... you got it N CAPITAL O !!!!!! end scene.


allow me to explain why you must use this word - and the power it carries - more often. because, contrary to popular belief, you do not have to do everything or be everything  - (...wait for it...) e v e r.

your job is to simply be you. becoming comfortable with being is a journey and i respect the fact that you are on a journey, similar to mine, and that you are in a totally different place in your life than i am. but, my sweet sister, you cannot put your body physically, mentally, or emotionally through the actions, thoughts, and feelings of everything - all day, every day.

say "no!" add a "damnit!" if the person really is not getting the idea, and rest assured that allwillbewell. your world will not come crashing down when you say "no!" other's will survive. it will be ok.

and what more can we ask for than a simple, ok?

i love you.

and whenever you need a little refresher
(pay attention to the end ... people can be sneaky ... jump attack ya like a puma!)

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Letter to God

i believe in god. i know he is there. i know he is aware of me. i know that my hurts matter to him. i know that he understands. when i pray, he listens. and when i listen, he talks. i have seen god's hand in my life. i have seen him light and guide my path to where i am.

knowing all of this does not always mean i am happy or ok with the trails, turmoils, or troubles god allows me to go through. usually i throw a tantrum. i know he wants me to grow. but i do not always want to grow. or like to grow.

my prayers are more like a long ongoing conversation with god. i send up thoughts or memos all the time to him. and i believe that any expression of my faith in him is received with love and understanding. it is acceptable to him.

i go to church. two sundays ago i cried through the entire meeting. last sunday i held a baby through the whole meeting - serving two purposes - healing and distracting. today, i cried through all the meeting, again.

my mind was attacked with worries, questions, statements sent to god. they were all jumbled and didn't make much sense -- it wasn't very coherent.

i came home exhausted and unstable. so i took a xanax and a nap. upon waking up i decided to write a letter to god. sometimes when i pray i get so caught up in the tears and feeling of it all that i never quite make it around to the point or to listening. so i wrote god a letter.

i was going to share part of it, but as i began taking bits and pieces i realized just how sacred this letter is to me. so for now i will keep it between me and god.

and share this song with you.

everybody hurts - david archuleta

and ask you, what would you say in your letter to god?

'precious in his sight'
by: greg olson

Sunday, September 16, 2012


there are quite a few things i have wanted to say -- but never enough to make a full post about it ... so i will compile them all and just ramble for a moment. i'm pretty sure nothing i say will be life changing or even super helpful ... but hopefully funny?? or at least distracting

s said to me the other week "handle one stupid thing at a time." that was my motto this week as i worked to get through well work and other 'stupid' things.

one stupid thing that will probably never cease to bother me is when people back into parking spaces. we could possibly note here that it may be my underlying jealousy at how easy they make it look - but let's not go there. instead let's focus on how utterly ridiculous it is to back into a parking spot! seriously -- as if those maybe 3 seconds if you are backing out slow are going to help. and those people who insist on backing in stop the flow of traffic when they do their fancy moves.

another stupid thing is the blinkers on the new mustangs. i gave a go at describing it - have deleted it - and instead give props to youtube for having absolutely anything you can think of on there. click this. dumb. dumb. dumb. every time i see it my eyes go cross and i get a headache. too much visual input. or i could just be super sensitive. again, not going there.

s sent me a prize package this week. it was filled with glorious treasures!

my favorite was this magnet :::

i want one in every color - on every shirt - on my socks and sleeves!

the holiday season starts now for me! christmas comes and goes way too fast if you begin in december, so i begin in september. the following are my top three favorite christmas songs :::

there are so many more - but this is a solid beginning :)

i have also started on christmas movies. top three favorites so far are :::

the grinch and white christmas go without saying.

well hohoho and all that good stuff. may you handle one stupid thing at a time this week.

i'm off to finish my laundry.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


it feels like f o r e v e r since i last blogged but it hasn't even been a week!
i am doing very well :) feeling good - no throwing up or nausea - fingers crossed - for the rest of my life. and truly besides a very sore belly button i don't have much to complain about : and true story in real time ::: i just survived a sneeze! so i must be doing well.
my therapist gave me homework last week. it was to create a personal first aid kit (p-fak). he explained that the purpose of the p-fak is it's something for me to go to when i'm feeling down or in a slooooop. whenever i need a pick me up or reminder of how much i've done / can do. i have found it truly fun and imagine this - therapeutic.
he gave me these instructions ...

which i took and ran with - hence the pink writing all over. i wanted to show you what i put in my p-fak in the hopes that perhaps you will be inspired to make your own. (or you know just leave comments on how awesome mine is :p jk )

ahhh, choosing the right box. i knew this would be no simple task so i went to hobby lobby right after my session armed with a 40% off coupon and spent a good hour walking around, listening to the boxes, deciding which one was going home with me. i chose this one.
he spoke so softly.
"cherish yesterday, dream tomorrow, live today"

i was as literally as possible bursting with ideas. many of the items in my p-fak are from s. i have so many words i call her - momma, friend, colleague, but the newest one which came to mind today was mentor. she has taught me so much. back in 2010 she would send me daily encouraging texts. i wrote them onto note cards and hung them on my closet wall. i love this one. "rock on rachel" indeed i will!

these are placed in no particular order -- this is my bag of awesomeness !!! first of all the seed things you see in there are actually lavender. i love the smell of lavender. it calms me. and i found it with cork screws at some random flea market and fell in love. i of course had to have it. i mixed in there some pom poms - seriously you can't even say that word without smiling - and SEQUINS - and yes, it's true, darling tiny jingle bells :)

i found that pink diamond at hobby lobby and it spoke to me. i love it. the shapes. the way the light reflects off of it. so in the box it went. um, ya i think the chocolate speaks for itself. but i want to take a moment and explain the flower. i try to buy myself fresh flowers each week. they are usually roses. i bought a dozen roses that were the most amazing color i have ever seen - white to red and orange tipped. as time went on they started to die, but not like my other flowers usually do. these stayed in the water yet dried so perfectly or gracefully. yes, these roses died with grace. and one day, i want to die like that. my grandma died with grace. she was kind and loving to her last breathe. and i want to age kindly - lovingly - and die with grace. the rose is a reminder.

my friend - jamil - bought me the seed bombs and i didn't plant them because it was too late in the season - and then i discovered that it was actually because they needed to go in my p-fak. a reminder that life goes on and comes from the most unlikely/unsuspecting things. life is around me. i have a quote on my patio that says "to plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow." and another "all things grow with love." naturally a purple pen if something brilliant comes to mind - the rock turtle is so special to me. it is from a and i was so conflicted -- i wanted it in the box but also out where i could see it everyday. i decided to put it in so that in my low moments, i can hold it and think of her love for me, and remember to go slow. nothing good ever happens when you go too fast. it's funny that i put cds in there when i don't even have a cd play :) but i wanted a physical reminder to put on michael buble music. i have a playlist on my ipod that contains all of his calm songs. they really help me mellow out and come down from an anxiety high and out of an anxiety low. i love his christmas cd.

this ornament is also from s. she gave it to me december 2010. i love snowmen - christmas - ornaments and it is hand painted! it makes me smile whenever i see it. and my grandma liked cardinals - whenever i see one fly by i count it as good luck and that she is saying hi and watching over me. so i love that the snowman is there with his cardinal friend.

these are some of the many note cards i made from what s told me. "all the greats seek balance" "i respect your journey" "the outside world is a reflection of the inside world" "walk in your peace and beauty" "the reality is i can say no" "i hear you : i see you : i am paying attention" "just don't" and sunflowers are very important to me. i am going to do a whole post about them and their meaning to me. but until then i will enjoy the beautiful picture my cousin j took for me.

s sent me the card on the left a long time ago and i LOVE it! it's one of the ones that sings when you open it and it sings this song -- cause seriously sometimes all we can do is hang on for dear life. a picture of the incredible picture my cousin b painted for me. a reminder that my life is a journey - not a destination. and i'm doing just fine. and then a small quote book from my favorite author, richard paul evans.

i love this picture of me and my grandma. it has become a priceless treasure to me. i see her beautiful smile and know i can go on another day.

last, i put a copy of this poem in my p-fak.

s gave me a copy of it a long time ago, and when my counselor gave me this assignment he gave me a copy of it without even knowing how dear it was to me! i knew then that god was still aware of me and my pain. he was throwing me a life line. a merciful life line.

and it is on my to blog list to talk in detail about that poem.

soooo, what's in your p-fak?