Wednesday, August 22, 2012

my eyes

aft - not a word - but if it were i think the definition would be "noun : a basket made from seaweed : 'the clothes are in the aft' "

taf - also, not a word - but if it were the definition would be "verb : to chuckle or laugh : 'she taf so loudly!' "

fat - sadly, this is a word - and it has a definition "the way i see myself; the lens through which i filter my worthiness; my value in pounds - the greater the pounds the lesser the value; the mechanism which proves i am as ugly, gross, disgusting, revolting, horrible, and selfish as i truly think. 'i am a bad person because i am fat' "

out of those three words, the last one is dangerous and should be presented with warning signs, flashing lights, and sirens. because f-a-t is a down ward spiral into self hate and loathing.

three of my dear friends have said to me today in three separate conversations/communications that each is f-a-t.

before i get to my point, i will validate.

i understand how you feel. most days i wake up and am shocked by what i see in the mirror. it's awful. there i am. mounds of rolling flesh, squishing its way around my apartment. truly, i could survive a hibernation or two on what i keep around the hip area. and if i ever did have to do an emergency evacuation from an airplane i would not waste time getting my arms in the floatation device cause i carry one around my tummy ... all year. one day i'm just positive the extra flap on my arms will get the idea to actually start flapping and you'll hear about it on the news 'first girl to fly with her arms - no feathers!' my chins. ah, yes. two of them to greet every person. how lovely. not! i am 1000% sure when i was being formed in my mother's womb that my legs got the wrong message and therefore formed backwards and inside out. what a sensation having my legs rub against each other every time i move an inch. because of the necessity of making room for all of this extra 'tub' i have lovely purple and pink stretch marks. a l l o v e r. if that doesn't boost my confidence then hell i don't know what will. my butt looks like i let it sit out during a hail storm and that nice touch trickled down to my thighs.

let me just be very clear ::: i do not look good in flesh color !!!

now that you know i am swimming right beside you in a body with extra goo all over, let me show you this picture.

these are my stunning brown eyes. i love my eyes. everything about them. from their shape and shade to the carefully manicured, arched eyebrows above. they squinch when i laugh and crinkle at the corners. they become red and swollen when i cry.

my eyes never lie.

they are at the core of my being. i am my eyes. if you love me and know me you will see my soul reflected in my brown eyes.

now, you may be saying, well, obviously you had makeup on and took this picture on a special day. so this doesn't count. of course you look good! so, i will now take a picture of my eyes - and the reader (yes you) will please keep in mind i've been up since 6 this morning, been on two planes, changed time zones, am slightly medicated, my hair's not fixed, and i have been throwing up, per the usual these days.

there. wow. i am fighting my habit to point out everything that's wrong with this picture. but instead, i'm going to focus. on my eyes. still brown. still stunning. still there.

and so my dear friends, can we not use the f-a-t word anymore? we are what we are. shaped how we are shaped. if anything i'm not fat, i'm bountifully bodacious, cherubically chubby, figurefully full, crazily curved, really round, etc.

but f-a-t?


and neither are you. because when i look at you
- when someone who loves you and cares about you sees you -
they look into your eyes and understand.

will you please look into your eyes and understand?


  1. Amen Sister! I love how at the end you said that if you love a person, you see their eyes...or something to that effect. SO true...I could care less what someone weighs...I love them because they are true, loyal, loving people. You are an amazing person! I love you.

    1. Thank you for this - and for GETTING it! Means a lot to me.