i am a black thunder cloud-rumbling with anger and rage-engulfing those in my path
i am nauseous and throwing up.
i am tired.
it's night. the moon is up. you are in bed, snuggled down in your soft mattress. pillows - preferably 4 - precisely arranged around you. knees bent to a comfortable level. laying on your stomach. one hand wrapped under/around your chest the other cradling your head.
a thought creeps into the corner of your mind. soon three - four - five follow in his tracks. all important. all jumping up and down capturing your attention. you follow his line of thought - then his - then his. keeping up becomes a task.
pulsing, throbbing, pounding. what is that? your heart. beating against your arm fighting to jump out of your skin while your arm acts as barrier. short-rapid breaths. the pounding persists.
you roll over, onto your back. maybe then your mattress will not vibrate in pulsing rhythms. hands cover your stomach. breathe. slowly. deeply. don't think about the thoughts. but they are so loud. they are yelling. 'think of me! i'm money!' 'think of me! i'm insurance!' 'think of me! i'm work!' 'think of me! i'm your new brake pads!' 'think of me! i'm the time slipping away bringing you closer to when you have to wake up and function like an adult!'
you succumb to fetal position. empty tears trickle down your face.
will i ever fall asleep?
will. i. ever.
this is what i go through every night. it got better for a few months with the help of my friend xanax. but has returned to a familiar state of irrational panic and fear at night.
sleeping does not count if it is not restful.
my shrink kindly gave me a new drug - which in a half tablet dose caused me to miss saturday and sunday this past weekend.
i guess i should call him. cause i can't go back to 'living' like this.
and when i'm tired, i'm black. the world is sucked of possibilities. because the only thing my body screams for is rest.
because it is how i view time.
slowly trickling by.