Thursday, August 30, 2012

ramblings of rachel

a good name for a blog ...

my mind is hazy. dazzled with many thoughts. some delightful others dreadful.

note :
the following things tastes the SAME going DOWN and coming UP
*peanut butter*snot*granola*honey dew melon*
other things - such as ...
guacamole ^ grape juice ^ chicken ^ watermelon ^
i am weary of throwing up. isn't weary such a great word. it adds a measure of feeling and importance as opposed to just using the word tired. bleh. not as descriptive.
my counselor says i should write a dictionary - and in said dictionary i would put words such as graterful - suckassers - and my latest and greatest - queerdos (as in queer weirdos)
i know ... you really weren't living until you heard that word.
ah, i am transitioning into truth - well - real. i am always truthful on this blog. maybe to a fault but that's neither here nor there. i am seeing that my ramblings are funny and witty - all to keep the reader thrown off as to how i really feel about this, the eve before my surgery.
and so i will write the truth. in very small letters. and as you read it, please read it in a whisper :
i am very very scared for tomorrow and do not think i have the courage to face doctors, needles, nurses, questions, and more tired-ness. i am already weary and do not want to battle my anxiety at a hospital. i despise hospitals. some say college is where happiness goes to die - i say it's hospitals. ah, again, the sarcasm. i'm scared. and i want to hide in my dark room, under my purple sheets, and be safe holding my teddy bear. i do not want tomorrow to come. i do not want this trial. i do not want to go through this. i am tired of hurting. but scared of healing.
that's how i truly am.
let's end with some laughter shall we???!!!

Empathetic doctor

and because my aunt is freaking awesome !!!!! she made me my own personal
hospital gown :)
love you aunt L!!!!!

Photo: I'm gonna be the CUTEST patient ever in my personalized hospital gown! Thank you Aunt Laralee ! Surgery is tomorrow at 12. prayers welcome :)

*breathing breathing always breathing*

Saturday, August 25, 2012

walking anyway

i have a cup i carry around with me all day and i call him, cup. though he should have a more 'dramatic' name for all the work he's done. see, cup's job is to catch my vomit. i carry him around like some might carry a purse or wear a bracelet. yes, it's true, cup has became an 'accessory' in my life.

back in june i wrote about vomit being my super power. and let me just say folks - never - ever - ever has time seemed so long ! i feel like i've been throwing up for years, but the reality is it's been almost 3 months. as one friend put it, i'll be super ready for pregnancy. though let's be real, i don't think i could ever do this again - so adoption might be the way i go :)

anyway, june found me vomiting - july found me going to the gastroenterologist - and getting an ultrasound - for my liver (while it seemed so many of my friends were having ultrasounds for babies -- that's a whole different post) - august found me having a specialized xray to watch my gallbladder 'work' - and the results showed that my gallbladder wasn't working - so off to a surgeon i went - and now, surgery on friday.

W . O . freakin' W .

keep in mind that on top of all of this, i have an anxiety disorder, making every test and doctor appointment hell, and i took time off of work - and now have to take more time off of work - and anyway , my mind spins with all the things to do and get done and ....

s u r g e r y.

so - what am i trying to say??

1 - i'm tired of throwing up. period.

2 - i'm ready for this to end and it looks like surgery is the only way out.

3 - i would gratefully welcome good thoughts, prayers, chants of the positive nature, or whatever it is you do to find god, spirituality, and peace in your life as i breathe through this week leading up to surgery.

i am doing my best to walk in my peace and beauty.
are you?

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

my eyes

aft - not a word - but if it were i think the definition would be "noun : a basket made from seaweed : 'the clothes are in the aft' "

taf - also, not a word - but if it were the definition would be "verb : to chuckle or laugh : 'she taf so loudly!' "

fat - sadly, this is a word - and it has a definition "the way i see myself; the lens through which i filter my worthiness; my value in pounds - the greater the pounds the lesser the value; the mechanism which proves i am as ugly, gross, disgusting, revolting, horrible, and selfish as i truly think. 'i am a bad person because i am fat' "

out of those three words, the last one is dangerous and should be presented with warning signs, flashing lights, and sirens. because f-a-t is a down ward spiral into self hate and loathing.

three of my dear friends have said to me today in three separate conversations/communications that each is f-a-t.

before i get to my point, i will validate.

i understand how you feel. most days i wake up and am shocked by what i see in the mirror. it's awful. there i am. mounds of rolling flesh, squishing its way around my apartment. truly, i could survive a hibernation or two on what i keep around the hip area. and if i ever did have to do an emergency evacuation from an airplane i would not waste time getting my arms in the floatation device cause i carry one around my tummy ... all year. one day i'm just positive the extra flap on my arms will get the idea to actually start flapping and you'll hear about it on the news 'first girl to fly with her arms - no feathers!' my chins. ah, yes. two of them to greet every person. how lovely. not! i am 1000% sure when i was being formed in my mother's womb that my legs got the wrong message and therefore formed backwards and inside out. what a sensation having my legs rub against each other every time i move an inch. because of the necessity of making room for all of this extra 'tub' i have lovely purple and pink stretch marks. a l l o v e r. if that doesn't boost my confidence then hell i don't know what will. my butt looks like i let it sit out during a hail storm and that nice touch trickled down to my thighs.

let me just be very clear ::: i do not look good in flesh color !!!

now that you know i am swimming right beside you in a body with extra goo all over, let me show you this picture.

these are my stunning brown eyes. i love my eyes. everything about them. from their shape and shade to the carefully manicured, arched eyebrows above. they squinch when i laugh and crinkle at the corners. they become red and swollen when i cry.

my eyes never lie.

they are at the core of my being. i am my eyes. if you love me and know me you will see my soul reflected in my brown eyes.

now, you may be saying, well, obviously you had makeup on and took this picture on a special day. so this doesn't count. of course you look good! so, i will now take a picture of my eyes - and the reader (yes you) will please keep in mind i've been up since 6 this morning, been on two planes, changed time zones, am slightly medicated, my hair's not fixed, and i have been throwing up, per the usual these days.

there. wow. i am fighting my habit to point out everything that's wrong with this picture. but instead, i'm going to focus. on my eyes. still brown. still stunning. still there.

and so my dear friends, can we not use the f-a-t word anymore? we are what we are. shaped how we are shaped. if anything i'm not fat, i'm bountifully bodacious, cherubically chubby, figurefully full, crazily curved, really round, etc.

but f-a-t?


and neither are you. because when i look at you
- when someone who loves you and cares about you sees you -
they look into your eyes and understand.

will you please look into your eyes and understand?

Sunday, August 19, 2012

"you could make a pot of soup..."

"...and put part of it in disposable baggies. then you can come home from work and just grab a bag out of the freezer and heat it up. healthy meal in minutes."

it was at this point in the therapy session that i started crying -- for the second time.

"oh," i said, "i think i'm going to cry. ya, i'm going to cry. that is so hard. i just can't even think about doing that. that seems like so much work!" *tears streaming down my face - nose dripping - eyes drooping*

i can't even imagine what the hell was going through this poor man's brain. probably something along the lines of questioning every decision he made that led him to choose this profession. but out loud he politely said ...

"oh, ok, wow, i can see this is overwhelming for you. ok, i have another idea and it's three steps!"

oh yes, oh please, three steps. i can do that. i can manage three. 

that's how my first day of nine days off from work began :) and it wasn't a bad beginning, just one that reminded me that it's ok to go slow. to be calm. and to realize i can't do it all. i don't have to do it all. and if making soup from scratch is too much then i sure as hell won't do it! 

such wisdom!

and so i won't!

i am on a trip. helping my sister get set up in her own apartment for her next semester of school. and i am so grateful to be here. as s and i would say, graterful. yes, it's true, we make up words. but sometimes the words we have just aren't enough. so, as graterful and happy as i am to be here, let us not discount that it comes with a price.

as all things do. a change in routine is hard. traveling is difficult. i. hate. mountains. and we happen to be in a mountain-ness place. i feel trapped by the mountains. i like to see where the hell i am and not feel the overwhelming power of them hanging over me. on trips there can be too much talking. too much noise. and distraction. all equal me struggling a bit. to stay on top of things. the vomiting has increase - yay for this information! - and my stomach hurts so much. i took a xanax in the middle of the day today to just survive. to just make it.

and i came up with another word - suckassers. these are people who first of all suck - in general - and suck the life/energy out of you - and because of that they become asses. or assers as the case may be. and i like this word and fully intend to use it in a conversation.

what are words if not power?

ahhhh, i am realizing that i am very tired ... and am not sure this will make any sense. but alas i am going to post it. and believe that my readers will treat me and my blog with an added measure of kindness - and not refer to me as a suckasser :)

Monday, August 13, 2012


.... that i almost didn't take my night meds in order to type it ....
..... that i almost didn't put away my most beloved mozzarella cheese to type it .....
..... that i almost didn't pee to type it .....

and then i realized the folly in not practicing what i am preaching

so i did those things

and used ONLY UPPERCASE LETTERS in my blog title to make up for the lost time :)

i have a vague - very vague - idea of who my readers are. i hope they are friends and strangers alike. those looking for some ideas / guidance / validation as they move forward in their journey. i hope this blog is seen by all types of eyes belonging to a multitude of personalities.

but i know one pair of hazel eyes with a bright personality behind them that reads this blog. and so my dear sister s, this post is for you.

here are some things i need / want you to remember as you trudge through your safari path ::

1 - you are always - always - always safe at sonic; not just on tuesdays, or when the sky is purple, or when the grass says hello, or when you wear yellow socks -
A L W A Y S. please go here for additional information. remember when i planted that red straw in the tree bed at sonic for you??

2 - worry less, breathe more.  i came up with that just for you on my drive home tonight. deep, therapeutic breaths. the day will move on. time will pass. moments will be. and you my dear sister, will breathe. see the air drifting around you, carrying you to a safe place? in air there is safety.

3 - in order to remain calm you must be cool and to be cool is to be comfortable.
calm - cool - comfortable.
it is never ok to sacrifice your mental health for gasoline. it's just not. period. keep the car on at sonic. always. run the a/c full blast until you are cool, then adjust temperature. but never - never turn the car off. sonic is a no sweat zone.

4 - when you are feeling down - do a self check. HHALTT (click on that). and remember to take care of you first - then tackle rational - reasonable problems. if you need help locating those types of problems just let me know. i'm good at sniffing them out.

5 - remember that there are times when it's shit not crap hell not heck suck not stink damn it not dang it and so on and so forth. if you think those will get you into hell you'll have fabulous company cause me and that other sister of ours will be there. for sure.

6 - have your go to angry songs. these are ones you can blast in the car - break glass to - 'prune' trees to (have i told you about the two trees i've killed because of over 'pruning' in times of great anxiety/anger?? true stories) SCREAM to. may i suggest (and to preview them you must click on the word 'this') this one .... this one .... this one .... this one ... or this one. there is not limit or right // wrong song. have a few. and dance/scream your ass (not butt) off.

7 - i am here. hear. always. whenever.

and remember

- no matter what - 

(get ready to click on the words below)

there will be another day. all is well and all is well and all that matters is well.

i love you. more than you'll ever know. but that's ok.


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

black night

i am a black thunder cloud-rumbling with anger and rage-engulfing those in my path

i am nauseous and throwing up.

i am tired.

it's night. the moon is up. you are in bed, snuggled down in your soft mattress. pillows - preferably 4 - precisely arranged around you. knees bent to a comfortable level. laying on your stomach. one hand wrapped under/around your chest the other cradling your head.

a thought creeps into the corner of your mind. soon three - four - five follow in his tracks. all important. all jumping up and down capturing your attention. you follow his line of thought - then his - then his. keeping up becomes a task.

pulsing, throbbing, pounding. what is that? your heart. beating against your arm fighting to jump out of your skin while your arm acts as barrier. short-rapid breaths. the pounding persists.

you roll over, onto your back. maybe then your mattress will not vibrate in pulsing rhythms. hands cover your stomach. breathe. slowly. deeply. don't think about the thoughts. but they are so loud. they are yelling. 'think of me! i'm money!' 'think of me! i'm insurance!' 'think of me! i'm work!' 'think of me! i'm your new brake pads!' 'think of me! i'm the time slipping away bringing you closer to when you have to wake up and function like an adult!' 

you succumb to fetal position. empty tears trickle down your face.




will i ever fall asleep?

will. i. ever.

this is what i go through every night. it got better for a few months with the help of my friend xanax. but has returned to a familiar state of irrational panic and fear at night.

sleeping does not count if it is not restful.

my shrink kindly gave me a new drug - which in a half tablet dose caused me to miss saturday and sunday this past weekend.

i guess i should call him. cause i can't go back to 'living' like this.

and when i'm tired, i'm black. the world is sucked of possibilities. because the only thing my body screams for is rest.

because it is how i view time.
slowly trickling by.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

mellow jello

today, i am very mellow jello. maybe too mellow jello. but i'll take it when i can get it.

usually i'm a panic stricken rabbit or this ....

(from happy hippo, angry duck by sandra boynton - amazing children's book on feelings)

and when i'm feeling this way i only want to listen to michael buble and be calmed by his voice and music. here are my three favorites that always put me in a better frame of mind.

and one day i'll write a post on the H U G E benefits of medication - counseling - and other sources for healing - but until then...

 i'm just going to be.

and be well in my be-ing.

will you?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


"all the greats seek balance"

this is something s told me many many months ago which has recently come into the front of my brain to take up residence.

all the great thinkers seek balance of thoughts to science, facts, reality.

all the great athletes seek balance of body and mind to compete.

all the great musicians seek balance of keys and fingers.

balance - ecnalab

this past week i have been struggling to find solutions to the mental and health problems i am experiencing. i was talking to my friend k about all of it and said that i am broken and need to find a doctor to fix me. she stopped me. reminded me of her two children who have difficult challenges. but would never - ever - be defined as broken.

instead, she said, our spirits are housed in this system (body) for a period of time and it is our job to help the system find balance.

and it came to me clearly. i am not broken. and i don't need to be fixed.

i need to find healing through balance.

these are the thoughts that led me to sonic today armed with chili's french fries and ranch dressing and purple sticky notes. i needed to see my options. see what solutions i could make out of the jumbled thoughts of information in my head.

option 1 :: do nothing - get off all meds - live in a cave - or find a way to live off the government forever - succumb to my anxiety. (this has been taken into serious consideration :)

option 2 :: do everything - see psychiatrist - see gastroentrologist - do all tests recommended by them - see a dr with a holistic approach - in other words do all the things !

option 3 :: talk to psychiatrist - don't do xray (per gastroentrologist) - see holistic dr - have gastroentrologist do endoscopy to see what the hell is going on down there !

option 4 : forget gastroentrologist all together - work with psychiatrist and holistic dr

with these options and many other post it notes filled with my brilliant thinkings i went to see a for some chatting and advice. it became clear to me that option 3 is the most balanced choice. i feel good about that choice. it sits right with me.

i didn't expect to find balance on a wednesday, but i did. and per the usual, answers came clearly when safely at sonic :)

now it is up to me to do something about my answers. to go and make appointments and gather information, balancing as i go. taking time to move slowly - think clearly.

all is well and all is well and all that matters is well.

all the greats seek balance.

do you?