i told my friend a today that i feel scattered and slippery :: pale yellow. every time i think i have my footing the path changes and my foot lands where my brain had no intention of stepping. this is an odd place to be. here i feel unsure, unsettled, even unwelcome.
i went over to a's house and cried in her rocking chair as she quietly listened. there was time and space for me to talk and be heard.
as any good friend, she heard the pattern of underlying pain and linked it together for me so that i could 'zoom out' and see the bigger picture.
there are so many people that enter my (our) space each day. physical, emotional, mental. some people are kind and respectful of the trust they have been given which is us letting them into our space. others bring what a and i named (copyright pending) 'the 6 centimeter measuring stick.'
whether intentional or not the effects of the '6 cm measuring stick' hurt because it highlights and exaggerates one small portion of my life (our lives) --- and it is usually the part i'm struggling with the most. it zeros in so tightly on this '6 cm' space that suddenly my accomplishments, my victories, my achievements become nothing, and my only focus is on that which i did not do / can not do well.
my perception of me goes from whole, complete and inclusive of all pains (work, family, friends, church, financial, health, counseling) and all triumphs (counseling, health, financial, church, friends, family, work) to my weakest area.
in the case of the story with a it was financial. and every goal i have reached - every habit i have mastered suddenly had no meaning, because i was not the best and the most perfect (the richest person) in the world.
as we talked, a took away the microscope i had put myself under and gave me a telescope. she reminded me that my life is not made up of one moment or one color or one choice but of many moments and many colors and many choices.
the '6 cm measuring stick' is unfair to the measurer and the measured. the measurer misses out on a whole, complete, well and genuine person. someone who is authentic, real and not afraid to be herself (or himself).
and it is not fair to the measured because in that moment i forget all the good i have done and only think of the weak. i can't, i will never, i won't ever are all starting phrases of destruction that the '6 cm measuring stick' encourages.
so tonight, i am being gentle with myself as i process this new information. i am eating chocolate muffins with skim milk because that's what i want. and i will shower, watch a distracting tv show and go to bed.
all the while remembering that i'm much more than '6 cm' will ever be able to measure.
and so are you.
'6 cm' images of this painting show only a fraction of what it is.
my beautiful cousin, britney, painted this for me.
"life is a journey not a destination."