i am her.
the one who comes out when control is needed. the one who seeks to fix, clean, straighten, direct, force, command, manage, regulate, and rule A N Y T H I N G so that situations make sense.
and after 20 months of knowing her and living with her, i have given her a name.
elle. (pronounced /el/)
she is the other side of me. the side that wants to protect the softer, weaker me from harsh reality. she is easily upset and comes out of the shadows like a snake ready to swallow its victims when rachel is hurt.
tonight, rachel got anxious. really anxious. and that hurt. see, she had a plan. and was going to carry out said plan. and there was an interruption. a need. she felt guilt. and had to help. but her mind raced. what if ... how ... hurry ... now !!! cycled like wheels on a car, racing hundreds of miles in seconds to win the prize!
except, there was no prize on the other end. only the beginning of the same .. what if .. how .. hurry .. now!! drumming , pounding , pulsing , her skull; it beat relentlessly .
what if . how . hurry . now !
on the outside, rachel looked calm. agitation may have come across in her short answers, but she kept her cool, balanced the two 'parties' and the deafening words in her mind. calm and ok.
yes, rachel looks fine.
but, elle knew better.
she knew she had to take over. take control. and make things right. so she tuned out rachel, and blasted the same song over - and over - and over. she doesn't know why. but it was the only song that pushed her to scrub her house, vacuum, do laundry, sort, think, do. over. over. over.
and she wants to cut. so badly. but rachel is coming back and is exhausted. she is hushing elle. reminding her that alliswell. god will provide money for her needs. god will provide a home for her. god will give her the strength to continue with work. god will give her a vacation in time. god will make all fair and equal in the eternities. god will give her her time to have a family.
god will give. in his time. god will give.
elle fights with a power and force so strong. but rachel is sure, that tonight, she does not want to cut. does not want to return to the familiar pain. she wants clean sheets, new clothes that aren't soaked in elle's sweat. a shower that is cool and calming. and her favorite concoction of drugs to make her - well them - fall asleep.
it's ok, elle. it's ok.