Saturday, July 7, 2012

i. am. strong.

i have talked before about how anxiety turns irrational thoughts into my known reality. and one of the things it 'told' me was that i was weak. i was a doormat. i was something for others to walk over and on. my 'job' was to always be there. to take others' mud, dirt, and shit and allow them to wipe it all over me.

i felt that setting boundaries was not allowed. my job was to be perfect - in school and work, with friends and family. i listened, i fixed, i did, i worried, i stressed. and though i would never say it out loud.... this is the doormat that best fit my feelings :::
i didn't know how to say 'no!' how to state my truth calmly and clearly. counseling opened my eyes to the possibilities of a world with acceptable boundaries. ones that would help me stay strong and keep 'shattering' personalities at a distance. i have not mastered the art of boundary setting yet. and let me just be clear -- it takes practice! it's hard. so hard.

because familiar pain is easier pain than unfamiliar pain.

but i'm trying. and that counts.

i will admit that i may be over zealous with boundaries right now - but that is ok. because i'm growing and hurting and struggling and i want to keep myself safe. my goal is to reach this simply stated, truthful doormat :::

because i'm not! i'm a person of worth. i count. my good times and my bad. and that is what has made me strong.

yes. i am strong. something i  N E V E R considered myself before. i always thought i was weak. but i have done so much and at the end of the day in my honest, reflective and truthful moments, i cannot in good conscious look in the mirror and say i have no value.

five truths about me ::: 1) i listen from the heart and because of that people talk to me from their hearts. i hear them and understand them. i listen to care, not because i like to hear sounds. 2) i'm good at my job. i love kids and they love me. i think that says a lot about me. kids see what adults often fail to. 3) i am honest about my struggles and imperfections. 4) i am good at decorating my home and making it feel inviting and safe for others. 5) i help those i care about not because i want something in return but because i love them.

bad days will come. hard times are guaranteed. suck happens. but because of these five core truths about me, i cannot say i am worthless. i matter. and so do you.

what are your five truths?

i am strong. i am a fighter. the playlist

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