Saturday, June 2, 2012

there are moments

when it seems living for a lifetime with this anxiety disorder is just too long.

how can i bear it?
this pain.
it's so hard. and so few understand.

i am laying here in my dark room crying. my anxities got the best of me and i tried for an hour and a half with a lot of meds in me to try and fall asleep. but there are just certain situations it will not let me let go of.

let it go. three words. sounds simple. but the things that take up space in my mind are not physical. if it was a rope or a paper airplane or a piece of grass -- something i could touch, sure i could let that go. i could hold onto it until the moment i choose to let it go. and then it's gone. the burden or pleasure of that thing is gone.

but letting go of something in my mind that i have 'awefulized' into something so great i feel the pressure of it in my pounding chest is much harder to do.

and so finally i cry.

tears of great mourning and pain and weight.

i don't want to be like this // feel like this // struggle with this - forever. foralife.

if only it relieved the pressure in my mind.

i. cry. tonight. i. cry.

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