Friday, June 8, 2012

past the point of pretending

i'm. not. perfect.
there. i said it. the three scariest words of my existence. i literally spent years being as perfect as i could be. i don't mean like in dress or popularity -- but in my work, at school, and at home.

perfect was what i knew.

see, anxiety is so interesting. as i've stated before it turns irrational thoughts "you have to be perfect" into reality "i HAVE to be perfect." i remember this most in my teenage years // 20 and 21. there was no time for mistakes. and so many things encompassed mistakes. anything less than an 'A' on a test. having assignments in school or for church done weeks in advance. not saying anything to anyone that might upset them. worrying endlessly about the things i did say and what kind of impact they had on the person. beating myself up for my always less than perfect performances - even though i continuously had people telling me what a great person i was, so on top of things, so together. but when you have low self esteem and live in an irrational world, it's NOT OK to accept compliments. you have to shrug them off quickly. and work harder.

the internal "beatings" i gave myself always began as thoughts which then manifested themselves in a physical way - teeth grinding at night, gastritis (an inflammation of the stomach) and perhaps the greatest punishment - migraines. i would also have tics and weird break outs of blue veins and acne - so super fun - but the three mentioned above are the ones i remember the most because, quiet honestly, they caused me the most pain and were therefore traumatic.

it wasn't until i got on medication that i finally knew what it was like to have one thought at a time. during my 'before i got help' years i remember racing thoughts, each screaming frantically for attention because it was just positive it W A S the most important thought ever. i never had one thought. it was always many.

and that's exhausting.

looking at my past 19 months of 'taking care of me and getting help' i see how brilliant it is to be ok. to be me. i don't have to be perfect. in fact. i hate -hate- that word. it only brings to mind the unachievable. and guess what...

i can be me. i can be ok. and it doesn't involve perfection. it involves acceptance.

acceptance of me. of who i am. of how i live. of the choices i make. of the good days when i totally rock at work. of the bad days when i totally suck at work. of staying inside where it's cool. of going to sonic once - sometimes twice - a day. of loving the extra chunk on my body. of accepting my cut marks and scars - inside and out. of realizing that my best will not be your best. of not comparing. of being at peace with who i am.

because i'm ok. i'm flawed and imperfect and just right.

yes, that's it, isn't it? i'm just right.

and so are you.
what do you see?
 the rough ~or~ the diamond?

2 comments:

  1. What I love about that picture is that the rough makes the diamond all the more brilliant.

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    Replies
    1. Very true friend - good perspective. xo

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