well ... i'm still awake. and considering it is technically a new day, i thought i'd go ahead and post again. i want to explain my blog title as it is very important to me.
about 3 weeks ago i was home and showered after a long work week and feeling down. my therapist explained my anxiety cycle to me like this : "you live in a state of panic and high stress but your body can only sustain that for a few days before it crashes, leaving you feeling down or depressed." needless to say i was on the depressed end of my cycle. work had been rough that week. my a/c was leaking. i was upset with my seemed lack of progress in my life. why, WHY, was no one appreciating me?? or what i was doing?? or the great things i had accomplished??
and if my life had been captured in film in that moment, it would've been shot, starting far out, then zooming in on the heroine - me - rising up from her bed, pushing aside sheets and pillows, brushing back her uncombed hair with her knotted fist, disheveled pjs draped over her shoulders, all creating the epic moment when she realizes, "i deserve a standing ovation!"
for every breath i take, for every tooth i brush, for every pillow i fluff, i deserve recognition and appreciation.
here is an excerpt from my journal entry that day ::
today, as I stumbled beneath my load it came to me quite clearly in the shower … I could damn straight use a standing ovation! From my kids at work! From my co-workers // supervisors! From my friends! From the people I pay so FREAKING much money to each month! From my counselor! From my doctors! FROM MY FAMILY! From the moths I pass as I leave my apartment each day! Because in my world, every step is a victory. And Who Sees It? I go to work and get behavior. I get belittling talk. No thank yous from the families I work with each day. No cheer from the people at the car wash. No pat on the back from people at church. The simple fact that I’m wearing pants on the right part of my body .. a bra under my clothes .. and a shirt that is facing forward gives me the RIGHT to clapping and cheering from every single person I meet!
will i always have posts so evolved and clear? no. way. but i want to give the reader a solid idea of truly where i am emotionally so that the posts laden with swear words and doom don't throw him/her off as much.
i am a constant work in progress. and my work deserves applause.
*listen, i think i hear clapping*