Sunday, May 20, 2012

safe at sonic


i. love. sonic. it's so simple. sonic is my safe place. having anxiety requires one to consider "safe zones." places he/she can go to think, breathe, relax, and be. where there are no expectations, it is quiet, and a bathroom is close. yes. bathrooms happen to be very important.

one of my dearest friends taught me so simply that "you are always safe at sonic." she would say that to me at least 4 times a week to remind me - during the beginning of my journey when i had really crazy times - that i was allowed to say "ENOUGH" ,,, i was allowed to run away //// i was allowed to take care of me .... i could go. and things would be fine. and i would be safe.

and so started my passion for sonic. i started going there a few times a week and have worked up to everyday except sundays. sometimes i go twice a day. when i was super crazy, i would take my notebook, order a drink, and write. no one bothers you there -- except to offer you a mint or ranch -- and you can stay for as little or as long as you need. i have taken naps there. it's true.

the system of sonic is brilliant. 1) they have a clear menu with delicious choices -- burgers, chicken, tots, and ice cream. if you are feeling the need for a prize (which is super important and i will address the idea of a prize in a later post) they have toys. and the drinks. the possibilities are truly endless. whatever you want, you can have. 2) after deciding you press a red button. red only happens to be my favorite color. and a delightful, cheerful, positive person says "hello, thank you or making my sonic your sonic. what can i get for you" my sonic your sonic. yes, i am part of something greater. thanks for the reminder. 3) place your order and wait. soon they come with drinks and food and all is right once again with the world.

i'm a drink gal myself. during my crazy days, i would get a drink. cold helped ground me. i could feel myself leaving my body, and having something cold to drink helped me stay. my energy was extremely low, so i stuck with a vanilla dr pepper or coke. now i mix things up with fruit punch and sprite and ocean waters. but always - always - always. sonic ice.

i would one day like to meet the inventor of sonic ice ,, perfect chew size pieces soft on the teeth. crunch, cold, delightful. simply delightful.

i would sit and write and write. or cry and cry. or think and think. here's a sonic journal entry 9.21.2011.

"i know the fear of a rabbit being hunted. i just texted that to S and it is so correct. i am planning my escape frantically, desperately searching for a Way out of this circular maze. i am mad with fear - crazy at being right - crazy with being wrong. my mind is fried by unknown and unspoken worries - my heart pounds a steady medicinal rhythm - as it is under better control than my thoughts. my mind is wild with imaginations of situations and circumstances i will never be able to succeed in and i cannot calm down. i am at sonic and just happened to glance up and notice a lovely lit water fountain a moment of peace. too much happens all at once and i crumble like overcooked cake and i break at the mere touch, verbal or otherwise. i do not fear for my life - i do fear that a moment will come when i give in and hurt myself again - oh, it will feel so good to feel the sting of the knife and the release of hormones which deceptively say "alliswell." unless you have been here, you will never understand the living, breathing, all consuming power of an anxiety disorder. disorder - for those who seek the most order comes disorder. cold soda splashes my throat and burns its way down - grounding me. my breathing has returned to an acceptable - though not normal - pace. my thoughts are focused on this task - my mind strains to focus on this - though scenes from horrible situations yet to happen flash behind my eye and for a moment shots of adrenaline sear my chest - quickly squelched by the medication fire fighters. i wish it upon no one to feel the pain of communication blown out of proportion by an irrational mindset. am i calm enough to cleanse my mind and soul and write what is disturbing me?"

wow. rereading that, i see the day when it happened. i know which sonic, where my car was parked, and i remember the racing fears. one day i hope to compile all my writings in many journals and on stashed pieces of paper into one book. i love the creativity that the anxiety brings out in me.

so. all of that is to say, that sonic is a safe place. a safe zone. there, i can process, be, think, act, sleep, drink, ,,, ,,, ,

and alliswell.

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