wow. i cannot express how good i feel. i feel like myself. happy. content. this past weekend of spoiling myself was just what i needed. there is so much rejuvenation in taking care of YOU first. there are so many things each day that yell at us. phones, internet, facebook, family, friends, music, tv, stores, and on it goes. each has something to say. energy to zap from us. and it gets to the point where all i can stand to hear and feel and see is silence. in the quiet of my home - or room - or closet - or car i find me. and i'm important. if i'm not being taken care of, i'm less able to be there for others.
one of my counselors explained it to me like this. "you are a car. and each day you have a set amount of gasoline (energy) given to you. when it's gone, it's gone. and it doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing, you're going to stop working."
when i first began this journey in 2010, i had maybe, maybe, a quarter of gasoline each day. i mostly slept. i was beyond exhausted. the meds i was being put on were necessary but they didn't help my energy levels at all. sleep was all i wanted. a walk up the stairs or a movie and my energy was gone. around summer of 2011, i could feel myself having more. i was at a gallon of gasoline a day. i could go a little farther but still had to be careful. now, i would put myself at about 4 gallons - i don't want to get crazy and think i'm a hummer or anything, but my capacity is larger. AND i'm much better at refueling as i go. before i would drive myself into the ground and then get more gasoline. now, i refuel as i go. if i'm feeling tired, i go to sleep. if i'm feeling anxious, i take a xanax. if i'm feeling alone, i find my friends. if i'm feeling thirsty, i go to sonic. :) i still have crashing moments, but they are shorter and farther apart.
and perhaps one of the best things i've learned is, when i'm feeling down, i get myself a prize.
prizes are the most wonderful thing in the world. it is my way of recognizing me and all that i've overcome that day or week or minute.
the simple fact is, believe it or not, you deserve a prize. you deserve some self recognition. you deserve a HOOHAA, as my friend and i say. some of my favorite prizes are the wacky pack at sonic, sparkly pom poms, renting a movie on amazon, getting my nails painted, my electric toothbrush, and massages. prizes can be big or small. i don't get myself expensive prizes everyday, but if it's been an awful week you can bet your ass i'll be getting something H U G E!
now, if you're anything like me, your head is going to start saying one or all of the following, "it's too much money - you're working on a budget; that's dumb, you'll just end up throwing it away; it's not going to last forever; save that dollar - you have no idea what you might need it for later" and my personal all time 'favorite' "you're. not. worth. it."
let me be clear. all of these are simply not true.
the point of prizes is to celebrate the moment. it doesn't matter where the prizes end up, what matters is you overcame a difficult moment - you succeeded - and you deserve a prize! yes, money can be tight, we all have financial responsibilities, but get your friend the 99 cent birthday card and spend the other 3 bucks you would've given to hallmark on a wacky pack prize for yourself!
and here's the biggest secret of all :::
i'm worth it. and so are you.