Thursday, May 31, 2012

it's a new day

and something uplifting is on it's way.

but first i'm going to rest.

~~~ ---___... ___ --- ~~~

it is now night. and i have found myself with some time to decompress -- or decompose as the case may be.

i was going to do a brilliant entry on the ABC's of mental health -- because the other night S and i were texting back and forth smart things to remember that went in alphabetical order. but alas. in my rash-ness of deleting "all the things" i deleted the text. and it makes me sad. actually mad. super mad. because it was genius. another day i guess.

so instead i'll address 3 things :

1) i am NOT a good movie watcher. i like to skip. and watch in fast forward and make up the middle part - you know the part where there's contention or something bad happens - and then i play it just in time for the happy ending. because i'm mental i have to be careful what i watch -- if it's a romantic drama i have to be in the right frame of mind so i don't go crashing and burning too far down. romantic comedies i can handle - minus the middle part of fighting and such. and i love animated movies like despicable me or megamind. those are perfect for me.

part of the reason i don't like contention in movies is because it makes me feel  ,, ,, you guessed it anxious. i know it's not real but remember that my brain has what a counselor of mine referred to as the 'awefulizer' .. it can take any -- and ALL -- situations and turn them into the worst . possible . thing . therefore turning irrational thoughts into my reality. and so in movies, i don't like the sad parts. they are too real. i like the endings . where everyone gets together and gets along and the bad guy disappears.

also, growing up i took the role of the fixer. i fixed things. relationships. contentions in the family. i felt like it was my responsibility. and after a year of counseling i've discovered that i don't have to fix things.

2) anxiety - brings me to my next floating thought. i am passionate about hating heat. and the sun. and any heat generating products. people laugh. they think that's funny. 'you hate the sun. good one!' nope. i really hate.the.sun. heat creates sweat which is an uncomfortable sensation to say the least. sensations // feelings have not been good to me. heat is a signal to my brain that whether or not the situation merits panicking ,, that i need to panic. sweating is a result of anxiety. and so when i sweat, whether or not i'm in the middle of something anxiety producing, my brain thinks i am and i begin to panic. i think there's some fancy name but we'll just call it 'the-thing-my-brain-thinks-i-need-to-do' . so staying cool helps my thoughts stay 'cool' or better calm. and i can be rational. and think clearly. and be in the moment. therefore i declare no sun forever.

3) and finally. i use the term crazy to describe myself all the time. and i think it catches people off guard. their thought bubble says 'funny, you don't look like the type to run naked through the parking lot screaming obscene things , yelling at random objects and people // and fighting police when they come to collect you and take you to the loony farm.' and on the outside they smile politely and give that socially awkward 'oh no you're not really' laugh.

but : i am.

i snap. you may not see it but as yesterday's post proves, i do. and i don't run nude in public places, though let's be real it could be fun. regardless of whether or not you see me snap or i do or do not run naked screaming at the birds, i am crazy. and here's my definition of crazy ::

define crazy : to me crazy is tired, moody, unsure, frantic, paranoid, angry, hurt, sad, lonely, upset - because now i recognize what these feelings are and in a way that makes it easier (i know what i'm up against) and harder (i know what i have to fight). so to me - crazy is the overwhelming feeling of emotions which change my thoughts and set me on a course to control - panic - sonic.

and as i told S one day, sometimes i just want to wrap myself in caution tape and stay in bed.

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