Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the day you'll have

i'm a bit hyped up on matt bomer love !!! like super high. and anxiety makes "highs" higher -- so ya, i'm flying :)

i will try to contain all of my adrenaline and write ....

my sister and i were at the movies the other day and saw a commercial for "the odd life of timothy green." it looks super cute. one of the lines from the movie caught my attention.

the scene is a mom and dad dropping their son off at school for the first time. the dad waves and says, "have a great day!" the mom quickly looks to the dad and whispers frantically, "no, no that's too much pressure." the dad looks back at the kid and says, "ok, have the day you'll have."

have the day you'll have. so powerful in its simplicity.

if i can have the day i'll have - and accept all that comes with that (anger, sadness, joy, gratitude, anxiety, depression, hurt, peace, pain, etc) - then in my soul i will be still, because i will be at peace with myself.

i love the word still. last night i went to bed talking to god. i was rambling on about my feelings and finally asked, "what is this feeling growing inside of me? i'm content with who i am. at peace with me. comfortable in my skin. but i don't like any of those words. what is the word, god?" and in that moment it came to me : "still"

what a word. i am still. in my soul i am still. to me the word still encompasses the meaning of those other words : peace, comfort, content. anxiety is a funny disorder. it causes one to feel hyper emotions and for me that resulted in a jittery feeling. i was being shaken back and forth - heart racing, head pounding, blood pumping. meds have helped. so much. as has counseling. but my acceptance of me is increasing my ability to be still.

on a similar thought, a month or so ago i was having a particularly trying day. i was done. i wasn't sure how i was going to finish seeing my patients that day. i was exhausted emotionally and mentally. and from my sweet friend came this text : "today is not a day to excel."

that sentence saved me that day, and has saved me many days since.

so today and each day i'll :

have the day i'll have.

be still.

and. not overly excel.

each day i will be me. and that will be enough.

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