Wednesday, May 30, 2012

adult language

will be used in this post. so if that offends you, you should wait until i'm out of this black hole and write something different. hell maybe even uplifting.

i snapped. and it wasn't pretty. quick back story. the ceiling in my bathroom started leaking a month ago. six visits from maintenance workers, a hole in my ceiling and my wall later they 'fixed it.' tonight. it started dripping. again.

and i don't know which side of me i fear more : the quiet bite my lip hold it in ('convert' hence the disorder it into seizures of lately stomach cramps so bad that i vomit) or the screaming hitting breaking punching swearing side of me. both aren't fun.

and tonight there was a nice combo. i kept it in. i have a friend visiting. i walked back and forth. said pissed. said f***. and she probably heard that. wrote a strongly worded letter to maintenance to get their asses over here and fix it permanently. because i'm ready for war. and i'm bringing guns. then i said i needed to go for a walk. well drive. so i drove. and picked the loudest worst song i could find .. sadly it was only all american rejects dirty little secret ... but that thing blaring at max volume was good enough. and then the swearing. all sorts of combinations. from f*** that to hell to holy shit -- i hit all the good ones.

then i'd pause. breathe .. keep it in .. start to feel nauseous and from deep down inside of me rage would boil up with the next words and ear singeing screams. then some pounding on the steering wheel and horn .. i hit it so hard the cd skipped. then driving. without my seat belt on and no driver's license. i drove and screamed and swore and repeated. i found myself at sonic.

there i ordered an ocean water - medium - and put on the saddest song i could find. lost, by michael buble. life can have no mercy . it can tear your soul apart . it can make you feel like you've gone crazy , but you're not . lyrics from the song = so true.

and then i cried. i wish i cried buckets of tears but i didn't.

i broke my sunglasses. ripped them to shreds. ugh, tried to cut myself with the sharp parts. feeling pain really sucks sometimes.

cried. more. then drove home.

and at this moment i wouldn't give a rat's ass to know the 'deeper meaning of this all.' shit. i'm seeing my counselor friday. i figure it'll be his problem then. cause i'm not . going . to . figure . it . out . PERIOD .

no need to leave comments like it'll be ok or you can do this or tough days happen to us all .. cause right now it'll just piss me off. i hear you. or i'll bring the guns when the maintenance guys come. or here's some sunglasses. of damnitalltohellinabasketofshit. or here's a mix of loud angty music to scream to would be fine.

i'm allowed to feel this. i'm allowed to be not ok. allowed.