Monday, February 19, 2018

The Giving Car

My Dear Giving Car,

We've had so many good times together. Let's see, I bought you in June of 2011. You were my first step of independence. How I loved you! A sleek black exterior with a comfy inside. You weren't fancy, no automatic windows or locks, but I wasn't fancy either. You were peppy and zippy and so fun to drive. We made a great team. Suzanne knew how much I was struggling those days with the uncertainty of my episodes. She sent me a card that sang, "Hang on Snoopy, Snoopy hang on." (Well, later I found out he was saying 'Sloopy' but Snoopy stuck lol) The song was so fitting for my life then, so I named you Snoopy and it fit you perfectly. What did we do together? Well in January of 2012 we moved out into an apartment in Plano. You took me to all of my speech therapy home visits. Your trunk was filled with therapy games. Chris put in a new sound player and you had THE best bass! Oh I remember one night I had a friend staying with me and I was beyond angry with a leak in my apartment that was not getting fixed. I calmly walked out of the apartment, got in you, drove around the corner so my friend wouldn't see me lose it, and then I blasted music as I screamed and cried and cursed and pounded on the steering wheel. Hmmm, I also drove you to inpatient psych in Richardson. Yep, you took me there and luckily I didn't do anything stupid in you. Dad followed us. I parked you in the lot, walked inside with dad and got help. There were many times over the years where I couldn't drive you for months because of depressive episodes or psychological seizure episodes. But you were my safe spot. Was it 2014 that you took me to Sonic every day? I think so. I would sit and write and I was safe. You helped me with my exposure homework in 2016 when I was in prolonged exposure therapy. You took me to all the places I had been avoiding (including Hobby Lobby). You have kept all of the passengers I've driven over the years safe. You were a novelty to each kid I took for a ride: "You roll these windows down yourself?!?!" How many times did you hear me say to someone, "Don't forget to lock your door!" - probably a lot. You have taken me to countless doctor appointments, many job interviews, and always, always, you have been a refuge from each emotional storm. When anxiety hit, I knew if I could make it back to you, help would come. There have been lots of times where mom and dad have picked me up in you while I was having episodes. You were exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed. So why aren't you still in my life? Well, because you are "The Giving Car." I never thought I would sell you. For many years I saw my teenagers driving you. You would've gone on forever. But financial realities and my parents' willingness to let me use mom's old car, made it clear that you, my sweet, dear Snoopy, would continue to provide for me in a different way. Yes, it is painful to not own a car. Yes, it was painful to sell you, my biggest asset. Yes, I miss you. But, because of you, I will be able to pay off my remaining debt and continue to get the treatment I need. I thought selling you would mean losing my independence. With thoughtful time, I've come to realize that short term, yes it feels that way, but long term you are giving me the gift of continued independence. I feel as though I've lost a dear friend to death; on your headstone I would simply put "The Giving Car." I couldn't drive you to the place where you were sold. Dad had to do that. I didn't want to look at you or drive you one last time, but Snoopy, I did. I had to move you from the parking lot to the service center. So I got in for one last spin around the parking lot. I knew you would say goodbye in your classy style - I scrolled through my favorite stations saying aloud, "Come on Snoop! One last song! You can do it!" And on came Katy Perry's Dark Horse - you didn't forget. You knew that was a classic that we listened to together many times. Oh how I loved you SO MUCH in that moment! You, my dear Giving Car, gave me one last memory, one last party, one last love. Thank you for giving and giving and giving.

All My Love,


Tuesday, October 31, 2017

3 hours.

left. and then. it'll be november.

ugh. i'm not ready for november. what a sucky month to be a trigger month. why not march? or may? nothing really fun happens in those months - so why can't i suffer then and have november to enjoy?

life isn't fair. this is just another piece of evidence that life isn't fair.

what am i thinking and feeling?

thoughts of my mission always begin to surface during this time. so much trauma happened there. so much suffering was experienced. what are the worst parts?

- sleeping with her scorpions put in resin as paper weights at the foot of my bed.
- the cold.
- the crying at night and during my hour lunch.
- the free greasy tacos.
- the wasting time - checking the mail 2 times a day.
- the guilt and pressure to be and do better.
- the fear.
- the smell of firewood burning.
- them torturing a tarantula to death - the smell - the chemicals - the suffocating sensations in my body.
- the boiled cow skull she picked up off the road and put in the car.
- the darkness.
- the trailer with holes in the floor - unstable - filthy - i thought i was going to fall through it.
- eating goat meat - and the house that was far away with the strange food for dinner - the fear - the smells - her black trench coat - the anger shoved down.
- the stories of abuse we were told - the house filled with cats and cat urine.
- the pictures of the baby who had just died.
- falling to the floor and being taken to the hospital.
- the horrific catheter put in me while men were around and having her look - the nurse not being gentle.
- crying for dad for hours.
- the confusion and fear.
- the call from home.
- the episodes, all day, every day, for a week.
- the threats to take me to the hospital if i "did not stop" having episodes.
- falling again - the guys carrying me out.
- embarrassment and shame.
- her hugging me/pulling me to her chest - feeling smothered and claustrophobic.
- the dr giving me depression meds - without a clear picture or medical history or any tests done.

i've dreamed about // had nightmares about the last 8 weeks of my mission so often, sometimes i can't discern what was real and what i have dreamed. what is listed above was real. it all happened. and left me with ptsd.

it took 3 years for me to break enough to end up in the hospital. mercifully that opened the door to dbt - a therapy that has given me healthy coping skills. last year, susan and i did 6 months of prolonged exposure therapy, where i worked through many of these situations. the fear of them is less, but i don't think it will ever completely diminish. i was assigned to be with someone who was emotionally and psychologically abusive all day, every day - i had to be with her at all times unless i was using the bathroom or taking a shower, and i have suffered because of it. there was damage done. and it's taken taken years to overcome and deal. most of the time i'm ok. but november is always hard.

i pray that god will open my eyes to the joy that can be had in november - that joy will triumph - that i will stay busy and focused on all the good. when the hard days come - when the tears come - when the anger comes - i will slow down, sit with the emotions, and honor them.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

I feel like I'm 1000 years old...

Hello Old Friend. I've missed you. And I think I've been avoiding you. IDK why - well I probably do, but I don't feel like investing emotional time/energy at the moment into figuring out why I've been avoiding you.

Here - I'll check in with you :::

I Am: Tired. I'm tired old friend. At least once a day I say "I feel like I'm 1000" - and I mean it. Maybe it's because I feel like I've somehow crammed 1000 years into my mere 28. Life is hard. The pace is insane. The demands. The expectations. The realities. I didn't dream of this life. In my dreams it was hard, but do-able. There are days when I truly feel I can't do life, especially on life's terms. Oh, and I'm showered. Which means I'm clean. And smell good. And my skin's soft.

I Feel: Worn. Ragged - Torn - Sore - Drained - Empty. I feel terrified of Christmas and the gift expectations. I feel empty knowing my sisters won't be home for Thanksgiving this year. I feel overwhelmed with all I need to do before leaving on a trip. I feel emotional and willful. I feel swallowed up and consumed by daily life.

I Think: Slowly. Very slowly these days. And often I don't get the words out that I want to. My brain lags behind. Luckily my creativity has not gone away, but it too is suffering. 

I Know: Enough. 

I Want: Joy. Peace - Happiness - Contentment - Quiet - Calm. In a not suicidal way, I sometimes want my life to be over. I want the rest I believe comes in the after-life. I want relief from the demands. I want an escape. I want to know why certain kids in my class at school are sad. I want to understand them and help them. I want to cuddle them and hold them and let them know they are loved. I want my heart to be softened towards the kids who aren't as easy to love. I want patience that doesn't drain me. I want balance in my life.

I Wish: That time would slow down. That my bed would make itself. That laundry would put itself away. That I had better insight into God's plan for me. That my body was not in pain. That I didn't have episodes in my sleep. That I knew how to help Hope grow - it makes me sad to see her stalled in her growth.

I Love: My snails and fish and plants. I love them. They bring me so much joy and calm in this swirling world. I love watching Everleigh throughout the day. She's so funny slooping around her terrarium. I love taking care of her. I love talking to Mr Baggins - I love that he always swims up to eat/talk to me. He's so entertaining. I love that his tank is clean and that he is so colorful. I love my plants and how well they are growing. I love that they all fill my bucket.

I Dislike: Dating apps.

I Will: Keep going. Take each day as it comes and pray for the ability to do all I need to each day. I will thank God for my blessings. I will say Loving Kindness Meditations for those who are suffering.

I Will Not: Worry about the many things beyond my control.

So, you see old friend, much is happening even though I've been quiet. Thanks for being a safe place for me to land. xoxo

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Stop It

Dear Overwhelmed Girl/Boy,


You have done too much for too long. It is not fair to yourself (I won't even mention family, friends, children, spouses, etc) to keep up this unrealistic pace.

Where is it written that you have to do everything? Where is it written that you have to say "yes" to all that is asked of you? Where is it written that saying "no" makes you a bad person and therefore you should feel shame and guilt?

My dear Overwhelmed Girl/Boy, the answer to those questions is - NOwhere. NOwhere is it written that you must be all and do all. The thought of being perfect and doing everything perfectly is so overwhelming, you will drown in that thought alone. Perfection is an illusion. Reality is, your best, which changes from day to day based on your physical, mental, and emotional health THAT day, is enough.

Why are you so hard on yourself when you would never react that way to another person? Why do you hold yourself to such high standards when you would give any other person the benefit of the doubt? Why are you allowing yourself to be run over by excessive demands in life?

I understand that there are basic needs you must meet for yourself and/or spouse/children. But beyond that YOU have the power of decision on your side. You are allowed to say "no." You are allowed to put limits on what you will give (amount, time, effort, etc). You do not have to be pushed around by someone else's idea of what you should be doing.

I guarantee you, NO one is doing it all. NO one is living up to the perceived perfection you think you see. EVERY person has a breaking point. EVERY person reaches a point where she/he must decide, "Is it worth it? Is what I'm putting my energy into worth it? Is it worth my worries, thoughts, fears to stay focused on this?" Often, what is taking up MOST of our energy is of LEAST worth.

So, my precious Overwhelmed Girl/Boy, take a deep breath. Exhale slowly. And allow yourself to truly let go of the unrealistic and embrace the realistic. Realistically, you will get 1/4th of the things on your "to-do" list done today, if that. And you know what, Precious One, that's more than enough. Realistically you will need to ask for help. There are seasons of helping and seasons of receiving help. Please do not judge one as better than the other. Both seasons have their purpose. 

Spending time Judging yourself is wasted energy. Why Judge what is when you could instead be breathing in calm and gently going about your day, one activity at a time? Please, find time to sit and rest. Carve out space in your day for gentle rejuvenation. Whatever that looks like for you: laying on a blanket in the sun; getting your favorite cool drink; treating yourself to some hand picked flowers; going through the drive through for chips and queso; napping when your babies nap; putting on an hour movie and napping on the couch while your babies watch TV; asking a friend to come over and paint your nails; trading off meal making days with a friend; and on and on.

You, my Sweet Overwhelmed Girl/Boy, are more than enough, just as you are.

Please, just be.

And trust that all is well.

xoxo (<--- click-able)

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Frequently Sick

Once again, there is so much I want to say about being sick. But I'm going to simplify the process for myself. I will bullet point what has happened while mixing in the lessons I've learned, the blessings I've seen from being sick, and the questions I've asked regarding being sick.

- Why do bad things happen to good people? Why are babies born pre-mature? Why do typically developed babies have traumatic births resulting in severe physical and/or mental limitations? Why did I go into my 20's before having severe difficulties with my mental health? Why do the innocent have to suffer? 

- The answer Heavenly Father has given me to these questions is, "Because it brings them to me." And I agree with that. 100%. I have prayed more in the last 8 years than perhaps the previous 20 combined. I have felt sadness so deep that I knew only Christ understood. I have fallen at the feet of my Savior and begged him for help. I have sobbed in the arms of my Heavenly Father many nights, seeking comfort and strength to carry on another day. When life is going well, I pray, but my prayers can take on a staleness. When life is hard, beyond what I know I can do, my prayers are thorough and take on a sincerity only pain/suffering brings.

- I have been so sick this year physically. I've had horrific colds, the flu, a sinus infection, and am currently trying to figure out a mystery illness. I miss feeling well. I miss sleeping at night and being able to breathe without coughing. I miss the energy that comes with being well.

- Being sick has allowed me to really appreciate all the things that I easily took for granted: not having a sore throat/not noticing my throat at all instead of counting down the hours until I get to take Aleve again; having a small, regular cough in the morning instead of an all day cough that often triggers my gag reflex; having a clear head, not one swirling with mucous; the amazing job my nose does at warming the air I breathe instead of needing a humidifier for weeks to do that work for me; waking up and feeling like I can handle the day instead of waking up daily and having my only thought be, "I honestly feel like I'm a thousand years old;" not having to go to the doctor all the time instead of weekly trips to some doctor.

- In the midst of all of these negatives - I still see incredible blessings, not the least of which is having insurance. My dad works so hard at his job and a huge blessing of his job is insurance coverage. I am able to get the treatment I need because he works. Another great blessing is not having a regular part or full time job. What a strange blessing, but it has been amazing to see Heavenly Father provide for me financially while still giving me time to rest and heal. I tire easily and any interruption to my system takes me a few days to recover from.

- So, you see, much good has come to my life from being frequently sick this year. Ya, it sucks. But I was told in a Priesthood Blessing that "this sickness will not last for the rest of your life. You will be able to figure out what's wrong, get the appropriate treatment, and move on. You already have more than enough trials for one person in their life and what is currently going on will not be an ongoing trial." I will reflect on that promise from Heavenly Father when I feel my worst. He knows me, He loves me, and He will heal me. I will be responsible and go to my doctor appointments, then trust that Heavenly Father is leading me to where I need to be. There are no mess ups or mistakes in His plan.

Monday, May 15, 2017

4 months have passed

My Dear Blog (and Readers),

It has been an eventful 4 months. I'm sorry I haven't written for so long. I built up writing to be big - TOO big - that I couldn't do it. The words would not flow from my fingertips as they do now. SO much has happened. I am progressing and living life. But to stop and write about it felt like a burden instead of a blessing; an energy-sucker. My energy is sacred and I can't afford to invest it in activities that don't fill me. So, I took a break. During this time I have thought about how I would blog my experiences without spending hours trying to create something perfect, instead of the realistic, good enough. I have found the middle path of good enough and am ready to blog again.

The following (and maybe more) blogs will be written (hopefully) this week (and post-dated to match the time when they actually happened):

January 19th: Quitting my Job as a Night Receptionist

February 14th: Valentine's Day - A Day FILLED with Love

March 19th: Standing Up for My Mental Health: Quitting My "Preschool" Job

March 24th: Passion and Purpose (Jamie!)

April 6th: Meeting DAYNA!!!

April 18th: Joyfully Celebrating 28 Years! 

April 16th: Easter!

April 30th: Nessa's Greenhouse 

May 6th: Picture with Jesse the Screech Owl :)

May 14th: Mother's Day

May 16th: Frequently Sick (2/10; 3/4; 3/11; 3/15; ER; Onions)

With Love and Hope,


Tuesday, April 18, 2017

28 Will Be Great!

*I'm writing this on 6/2 and am in a bit of a sour mood - mostly because, surprise surprise, I don't feel well. So I thought I would do some opposite action and write about a really joyful memory.*

GAH! My birthday was SO amazing! A few weeks before my birthday I started a new medicine. I was titrating up and once I reached 3/4ths of the dose, I lost joy. I didn't want to engage in activities I normally would and I couldn't figure out how to start even simple tasks. After 2 days of crying I realized it was the medicine and I backed off of it until I was able to stop it completely. During that time, I thought about what I wanted to do for my birthday, but my brain wasn't working and I wasn't able to tap into a creative place. 

Luckily - after I was off the medicine, I jumped right back into life and living! And with this lift in sadness came the fabulous idea to celebrate my 28th birthday with an open house style party! My theme was JOY (and owls snuck in there lol). So many people came and I was able to feel/receive their love for me.

What I find so amazing is the huge difference my recent birthdays have had. For many years in my early 20's, probably up until 26, I felt a great deal of sadness on my birthday. Not from the activities, food, or celebration, but because of the stupid number. In my mind, I should've turned 22 on my mission, I should've been married by 23 and celebrating with my husband, I should've been expecting a baby by 24, I should've had a baby by 25, etc etc. Along with those would have come accomplishments in my career as a speech therapist assistant and a house, car, dog, etc. Having those birthdays come without my "should's" was really hard. 

Oh how I wish I had not wasted time in the Land of Should.

Also, there was a time when I could literally count on 1 hand the people in my life I thought cared about me. I was in such a dark place and often thought about my funeral. Besides the Bishop officiating, I assumed my counselor at the time would come out of obligation and drag his wife along, and I knew my dear friend Suzanne would come and bring her then partner. That's it. 5 people. In my darkness, this was my reality. I believed those were the only people who would come to remember me and out of the 5, only Suz would do it because she loved me. The rest were out of guilt. 

It breaks my heart to think that I didn't believe my family would come. Now, my perspective has shifted, my heart has been opened, and my eyes SEE the many, many people who love me. I hope my funeral isn't for a looong time, but when it comes, it will be packed :) There are so many people who love me. And even better, there are SO MANY PEOPLE I LOVE!!!

I could not have asked for a better birthday. Our house was filled with kids/adults/families and I was so happy. I was also proud of the way I managed my anxiety. I was able to participate in the party and be present in the moment. I wish there was a way to physically save days so that you could go back and re-live them - this is a day I would for sure re-live.

By 9:30 the house was quiet and I had a pile of gifts (even tho I asked for no gifts - people are too sweet). Gifts are my love language and I think because I was tired and a bit over-stimulated I began having an internal breakdown. I have some slight OCD tendencies and wanted to finish all the birthday things on my birthday. I found myself trying to force myself to open the presents while internally crying (ok, externally too!). Finally, in a moment brought to me by DBT skills, I realized, not everything has to be done today. I validated my fatigue and told myself that after an excellent rest, I'd feel like opening gifts. And being rested, I'd be more fully able to enjoy them.

I was right! I opened my gifts the next day and couldn't stop smiling. I am SO grateful for the love of my family and friends. The day could not have been any better for me.

I am blessed.

I am loved.

I got sooo many fabulous ideas to make 28 a Joyful year!

I loved this - I set up our dining room with construction paper and crayons - the kids then made creative works of art!

This was super fun to make :) 


My Owl Cake by Bonnie Blue Cakery!

Another delicious cake made by my friend, Sarah!

Jalim & Dayna


Stacey & Bron

The Baileys

The Lisonbees

Logan & Jillian

The Fam (minus my sissies)


These are just a few of the many many people I love who came out to celebrate!

Oh, and I got my picture taken with Jesse the Screech Owl!!!